I was told that selling everything we own and getting all new stuff would be FUN. I was told it would feel FREEING. I was told it would be EXCITING.Well all it did was give me anxiety.
We had a BIG garage sale this morning and most everything I own is GONE. Who knew garage sales could be so emotional?!! Today was so HARD for me. I sat there watching people walk away with MY STUFF and I… felt this sense of anxiety SWELLING in my gut. As the day progressed, that feeling increased.
As the last set of couches was hauled away I broke down.
Doubt. Fear. Anxiety. And a waterfall of tears.
I own NOTHING. And that realization FREAKED ME OUT.
As I sat there wondering what the HECK is wrong with me, I realized WHY this is so scary for me.
6 years ago we were living in our dream home. We had really nice furniture, six months worth of savings in the bank, great income, nice cars, everything was picture perfect. And then my husband stopped bringing home paychecks, but he was still working. Sometimes when you’re self employed that can happen. We went TWO YEARS with no paychecks. And just so you know, six months of savings doesn’t last two years. With a 2 year old and a 1 year old, we were broke as a joke.
We did whatever we could just to get by. I returned EVERYTHING I could to get money back at various stores. What I couldn’t return, I sold online. I would even buy cheap furniture, refinish it, and sell it for a profit. And THAT is how we kept the electricity on and food on the table.
I was basically having one big perpetual virtual garage sale to keep my family afloat.
Even after we filed bankruptcy and my husband found employment, we were still strapped. When Jayson needed a root canal it was a couple hundred dollars, money we didn’t have. Going into debt wasn’t an option since we have zero credit cards. So how did we fund his root canal and dental work? By selling more STUFF online. Our STUFF provided a SAFETY NET that we have used for the past six years.
And with all my possessions GONE, I realized….. MY SECURITY BLANKET HAS BEEN STRIPPED AWAY.
If something goes wrong, I have nothing to sell to get us by. I have nothing left to fall back on. And it scared me to death even though, for awhile, I couldn’t identify WHY.
After the garage sale I went for a drive to pray and make sense of my thoughts. “What do I get to learn from this?” “What is the lesson here?” It’s interesting because selling all our possessions was NOT the original plan. But I had felt this prompting last week to do so, so I acted. Thereby there MUST be something God wanted me to learn from this experience.
And as clear as day, all of the sudden I KNEW that God had created an experience for those walls to come crumbling down. False security walls that I didn’t even know existed. I don’t need all that STUFF. I don’t need THINGS. My security doesn’t come from having a few things in my back pocket to auction off if times get tough. My security comes through GOD.
This is an opportunity for me to TRUST. I get to just BE. And know that whatever happens, God will provide for me and my family.
As Tukaram, a Hindu poet once said about his own misfortunes… “It is well, O God, that I became bankrupt and was crushed by famine: this is how I repented and turned to thee…. for I sought your protection, O God.” ( Roger Lesser, Saints & Sages of India)
I have no THING to fall back on. So come what may God. I will trust thee and know whatever happens is for my highest good. Bring it on.
